I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
