Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
