dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
