im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
from now on my penis is your penis
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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