My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
