he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
