I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
