haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
