Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
