I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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