She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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