well you can't waste a boner
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
