I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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