He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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