i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
