Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
