I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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