We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
