nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
