i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
