My friends, they love my intelligence
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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