They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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