watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
