she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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