Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
