shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
