We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
