This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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