Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
