i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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