I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
