i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
