Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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