she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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