It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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