He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize