What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
