So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize