who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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