my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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