saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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