She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
