I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
