So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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