1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
