I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
