we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
