I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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