for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
