90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize